


Crucifixed

by timeforsomethrillingheroics



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: M/M, set in 5x10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 12:25:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/862014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timeforsomethrillingheroics/pseuds/timeforsomethrillingheroics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chibs doesn't see in shades of grey. Never has, never will. He believes in absolutes. That there are just some things that can't be questioned or altered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crucifixed

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in 5x10. This is an interpretation on what Chibs was thinking in a canon scene. 
> 
> I'm going to be honest, 99 percent of the reason I wrote this was because of a [gif set](http://tragerarchy.tumblr.com/post/54076829053/sons-of-anarchy-meme-brotp-s-1-jax) that showed up on my dashboard, my undying love for one Chibs Telford and the fact that there is a great lacking of fics of any kind in the sons tag. 
> 
> This is my first foray into the Sons fandom so helpful suggestions and comments would be greatly appreciated. No beta was used, so please point out mistakes as you see them.

Chibs doesn't see in shades of grey. Never has, never will. He believes in absolutes. That there are just some things that can't be questioned or altered. 

He's an immovable object when he needs to be. 

So when he made the decision to back Jax he went all in. Full force. No stops. No regrets, and definitely no second guesses. He became Jax's right arm. An extension, a tool to be used in any capacity that was necessary. 

Loyalty is a living, breathing, tangible thing to Filip. You sweat for it, you bleed for it - die for it if necessary. That's why you have to choose where your loyalties lie carefully. Because ones your in, that's it. It's a life thing. It becomes a part of you. 

Chibs isn't loyal to many things. Home and country? Not likely. He hasn't stepped foot on native soil in over 15 years. 

Government? 

Civic pride? 

He did a stint in the military. It hadn't been worth the spit in his cheek, let alone being anywhere close to being something worth bleeding over. 

Society? 

Laughable. 

Brotherhood on the other hand? 

Family? 

People that would bleed for you as you bled for them? 

Well the choice hadn't really been a hard one. 

But when his brotherhood was ripping itself apart? When his family was circling each other like wounded jackals - too intent on the taste of copper in the air to realize the wetness matting their fur was also blood? That with each snap, each tear into the other they were more firmly ripping out precious sutures that were the only thing holding them together?

Well then he had to make choices. 

You can't divide loyalty. That's not how it works. It isn't a renewable resource. You can't hand it out to everyone that passes along the way. You can't be neutral when your family is tearing itself to pieces. You have to pick sides. You have to make decisions that will impact the rest of your life. Because that's what the club is - your life. Your life alive and breathing, fighting and fucking all around you. And once you go there - once you make that choice, there's no turning back. No changing your mind. No buyers regret. There is just your decision and you living with it. 

Choosing between his brothers - making a choice between the man that pulled him out of the gutter when he was on foreign soil, still reeling from the loss of his wife and daughter, and the man he watched turn from a child into a man. Well. That's when things got hard. 

When all that was said though, it had never really been a choice. The decision had already been made. 

No, there was never any question about where his loyalties would be placed. 

Jax had more than earned them.

And the blow back? Well that was part of being loyal. That's how it worked. You couldn't live in both worlds once the choice had been made. You acknowledged the consequences, what ever they were. Dealt with them as they came. There was no questioning anymore. Just action and reaction. Chibs was no longer just a brother. He was a weapon too. A soldier. And there was no doubting this was war. A multisided war, it was true - but that only made it deadlier. A war on two fronts was always harder to win and their backs were already stuck so far up the wall they might have been glued there. Brother against brother, club against pope. Redwood was already bleeding - there was no mistaking that. Her wood was warped and stained from all the wet seeping through.

"I need to know I have you in my corner."

The words circled in his ears, his brain refusing to process them out of sheer incredibility. Where else would he be? Chibs had always been on Jax side. Watched him grow up. Watched him develop into the man he was today. Watched how each loss - each defeat hardened him. Made him stronger. Watched as the calluses on his hide thickened into scars. Watched him loose his innocence. Watched him become a father along with being a son.

He was standing now, unable to sit still in anger. Had to move. Had to take a step back before he could respond.

"I've always been there and I always will."

The words felt ripped out of him, torn through his throat because they shouldn't have been necessary. They should have been _understood_. 

But redwood was bleeding and it was hard to see with all the red dripping into their eyes. Hard to see though the memory of Opie's head getting caved in and the rage in Jax's voice when he said Clay's name. Hard to see through the betrayal of Juice killing Miles. Hard to see through months of lies piling on top of lies. Hard to see through Tara's hand and Jax's family pulling apart at the seams. Hard to see through all the hate that was eating at their hearts. 

So Chibs tried to make him understand. 

Used his tone voice, his eyes to show what his grasp on the human language couldn't. 

"Come here" his voice said, trying to come up with the right words. English was a flawed language. It wasn't precise enough for what he needed to articulate. He wanted to say, 'we're family - understand?' But family can mean so many things, each not nearly as significant as the emotions that were trying to rip his throat apart. The bitterness that was dragging down his heart. Family's didn't always have each other's best interest at heart. People are selfish. Husbands beat wives all the time. Dads abuse sons and daughters. There is no word in the human language as strong as he needs it to be to make Jax understand. He wants to shout in Jax's face 'This is home. You, this club - you are my home. I watched you turn into the person you have become, and I know exactly why you are the way you are and I would never willingly be the one to break you further. I was the one holding you back when they took Opie away. You think you are the only one of us that has lost someone? You think you're alone? You are my leader, my son, my brother. We are kin.' But he shouldn't have to say that. Jax should understand. But Jax doesn't, and he does. 

There is a rosary in his hand and he is gripping the side of Jax face. 

He is standing in his space, pressing cheek against cheek. 

Giving him a kiss a proud father might give to his son, hoping he will understand.

"I love you kid. Understand?" 

He hopes the two sentences he uses are enough to get the message across. He hopes they are because he doesn't know what else to say. Doesn't know how to make his throat work against the rage that is trying to drown him. 

He hopes Jax will understand, make the connection but he pulls back anyway, just in case. To get one good look in his eyes, leave no room for doubt. 

Jax looks tired, he notices as he takes in his face. There are maps of fine lines that weren't there a year ago. His mouth has hardened. Smiling doesn't come as easy for him these days.

He looks at Jax's face, but can't read whatever emotion is present in his eyes. 

He knocks their heads together, trying to dislodge the unhappy twist to Jax's mouth. Foreheads smash together with just enough force to be jarring, but not enough force to hurt. Enough force to say 'I'm here and we are alive.' 'You did what you had to do.' and 'I support you.'

"I'm going to go get cleaned up" is all his voice says though before he makes his way inside.


End file.
